dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
