Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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