can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
