I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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