I will die if light touches me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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