Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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