$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize