I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
