woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize