i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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