oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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