My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
