So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
