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First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
