Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
