Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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