happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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