I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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