she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
