it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
