So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
