you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
