I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
