are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
where am i from again
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
