Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
