I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
