just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
