so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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