Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
