Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
