Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
