A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
