I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
