I'm gonna have a badass scar
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
