yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who did Billy Mays play for?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
