its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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