First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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