no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
