I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
