She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
