My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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