I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
