You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
