Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
