so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
