Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
