So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
