My hand turned me down
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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