Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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