i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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