I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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