Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
