I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
