Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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