Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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