just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
