Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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