his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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