There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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